Q. I want to know what the truth is about pornography and mental health. Other than taste, what does liking pornography say about my mental health? It seems that a lot of hard-core pornography aims to prove power or humiliate, and I’m really not like that.

A. There are a number of answers to this question, depending on your perspective. Scientifically speaking, a causal relationship between viewing explicit sexual material and sexual assault has never been demonstrated, if that’s what you’re worrying about. From a feminist perspective (not to imply there is a single viewpoint shared by all feminists), pornography can serve to perpetuate unrealistic and unegalitarian relationships between men and women.

Politicians have gotten into the mix by declaring and redeclaring all sorts of things as being directly attributable to pornography, but the studies have shown no such effect. Under Nixon, a special commission of scientists and sociologists was formed to study the matter. After examining the evidence (picture that for a moment) they recommended that laws restricting the sale, exhibition and distribution of sexually explicit material be repealed. They wrote that pornography was unrelated to sexual deviancy or severe emotional disturbance. Their recommendations were rejected, and the findings buried. In 1986, under Regan, a new commission was formed with the express duty to find ways to suppress the spread of pornography. This new commission reported there was a connection between pornography and social ills, however, the methods used to arrive at that conclusion lack empirical strength. Nevertheless, it’s what the administration wanted, and the senate and the White House haled the recommendations.

In other studies, men who already held rape-myths in their little brains had those views reinforced by watching videos that included those themes. Men who didn’t hold those views were unaffected. In more real-life studies, no effect on either group has been found.

Think of it this way, certain people are predisposed to want to watch some types of material because they already think this way, rather than porn changing their beliefs. I don't think I'd date a person that thought watching rape depictions was sexy, for example, and I wouldn't want my daughters, sons, or cousins to do so either (assuming they'd listen to me).

In my view, the definition of pornography is central to the argument. Who gets to decide what’s pornographic? As a person who enjoys a wide variety of erotic art, I certainly get nervous when I imagine someone else deciding what I am allowed to own. The walls in my home are covered with a variety of nudes by several artists. Most people who see them enjoy them, but some people are aghast and dismayed by them. I have no doubt that if they were to be able to set the standards, all nude art would be considered obscene. At the other extreme, I know people who enjoy media that makes my skin crawl.

I agree with one of the judges that has decided this issue in the past. To paraphrase, he said "I’m not sure how to define it, but I know it when I see it". The problem is, I’d bet a considerable sum he and I would have different taste.

I concur that some images in porn portray the removal of women's power and agency in sexuality, but not all explicit depictions of sexuality do that. In fact, some portray women's agency very well, and that alone would cause some people to object.

So what do you mean by pornography? If you mean graphic depictions of people behaving sexually that don’t include coercion, degradation or violence, I can confidently say it won’t hurt you.

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More Orgasm and Toys

Q. I have two questions. First what do I do if my woman won't have an orgasm? I don’t know how to get her off. Could you give some pointers? Two, what sex toys would you say are the best for a woman?

A. The first thing you need to know is that your partner’s orgasm (or lack thereof) doesn’t really have all that much to do with you. I certainly can’t give you a tried and true method that will guarantee she will come. Some women do, some don’t. The thing is, and I said this in a pretty recent column, you don’t know much about how she enjoys sex with you if an orgasm is your only yardstick. While most men (90% or so) orgasm easily during sex, a sizable percentage of women do not. She could be experiencing high levels of arousal, and enjoying sex very much, even without orgasm.

Generally speaking, the keys to good sex for most people, orgasm or not, are time, communication and trust. Make sure you aren’t rushing things, and that your partner and you are talking about what each of you likes and dislikes. This is an area that some young men and women are reticent about. Talking about sex isn’t something most of us learn to do yet it is crucial in a healthy relationship.

Belief in your partner’s integrity, and hers in yours is also important. Make sure your actions are in line with your stated intentions. For example, if you are seeing other people, but lying to her about it, that’s a serious integrity problem. If you or she have limits that aren’t being respected, that’s another serious problem. Things like that absolutely ruin the chances of having great sex.

Toys are a blast for some people, and over the top for others. Recently a friend of mine, Sadie Allison, released her second book called Toygasms. She talks about lots of kinds of toys, and how to use them alone and with partners. It would be a great conversation starter. Included in the book are some checklists to help you choose toys. Make the choices together, and let her lead the way. You might give her a gift certificate and the book, and tell her to choose what she’s intrigued by.

Her first book, Tickle Your Fancy, might be a great book for your partner if she’s interested in becoming more orgasmic. Sadie writes simply and directly. Many people respond well to her work, and perhaps it can help your partner. She’s not broken, though, and that’s the most important thing to remember.

Whatever you choose to do, be sure you aren’t trying to do something TO your partner, but rather something WITH her.

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